Large image of stand-Up comic Kathy Griffin

Jokes by Kathy Griffin

Kathy Griffin on Dating

It's too much trouble to get laid. 'Cause you have to go out with a guy, go to dinner with him and listen to him talk about his opinions. And I don't have that kind of time.

Kathy Griffin on Oprah

I love Oprah but she thinks she's Jesus. And when she gets a papercut, she's like, "Oh, Stigmata."
"No, Oprah, it's not stigmata."
"But, I…"
"Get off the cross and do your show."

Kathy Griffin on Velvet Ropes

I'm nervous about the whole velvet rope scene… I'm a child of the 70s. And I remember those Studio 54 stories where there's a guy at the velvet rope and he's saying you're hot enough to get it and you're not. And I know I'm in the not list. That's not fun for me. When I go to Applebees, I get a table whenever I want.