Large image of stand-Up comic Ellen DeGeneres

Jokes by Ellen DeGeneres

Ellen DeGeneres on Zoos

When I was growing up, we had a petting zoo, and, well, we had two sections. We had a petting zoo, and then we had a heavy-petting zoo. For people who really liked the animals a lot.

Ellen DeGeneres on Woods Wandering

As a kid I used to wonder around the woods… because my parents would put me there.

Ellen DeGeneres on Grandmother Fitness

My grandmother takes care of herself. She started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today. We don't know where the hell she is.

Ellen Degeneres on Deer Heads

Have you see the deer heads on the walls of bars? They have the silly party hats on. Sunglasses, streamers around their necks. Those are the ones I really feel sorry for, because obviously they were at a party having a good time…