Large image of stand-Up comic Anthony Jeselnik

Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik on Chocolate

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. "Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I'm addicted to them." It's really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, "Do you see that, honey?... Why can't you be that skinny?"

Anthony Jeselnik on Motorcycles

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

Anthony Jeselnik on Pain

You don't know anything about pain… You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub… And you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

Anthony Jeselnik on Suicide

I've got a long history of suicide in my family. The good news is it skips a generation. so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.