Large image of stand-Up comic Anthony Jeselnik

Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik on Pain

You don’t know anything about pain… You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

Anthony Jeselnik on Motorcycles

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

Anthony Jeselnik on Chocolate

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She’s always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she’s got a chocolate addiction. “Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I’m addicted to them.” It’s really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, “Do you see that, honey?... Why can’t you be that skinny?”

Anthony Jeselnik on Suicide

I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family. The good news is it skips a generation. so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.