Richard Jeni on The United Staes

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. if this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

Richard Jeni on Generosity

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”

Richard Jeni on Tattoos

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, OK, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

Richard Jeni on Pornography

I finally got my gal to watch a porno with me and I did not get the reaction I was after. All right, I shouldn’t have started her off with one that i was in. That was a mistake.

Richard Jeni on Marriage

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

Richard jeni on Religious Wars

Going to war over religion is basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.