Jokes by Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan on Email

It is amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? “What the?... Has someone been kidnapped?”

Jim Gaffigan on Family

I come from a very large family - nine parents.

Jim Gaffigan on Bottled Water

When they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny. I was like, “Bottled water! Ha ha, they’re selling bottled water! I guess I’ll try it… Ahh… this is good. This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.”

Jim Gaffigan on Looks

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, “Oh, they’re nice.” But if the stranger’s ugly, you’re like, “What do they want? Get away from me weirdo.”

Jim Gaffigan on New York

I love how New York is so multi-cultural. I wish I was ethnic. “Cause if you’re Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, “He’s got a Latin temper.” But if you’re a white guy and you get angry, people are like, “That guy’s a jerk.”