Jokes by Artie Lange

Stand-Up Comedian Artie Lange

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Born: October 11, 1967

Blue Meter: Dirty

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Jokes

Artie Lange on A-Rod

A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don’t realize this, he’s a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he’d ground out to second for him.

Artie Lange on Cocaine

I did drugs wrong. I’m the only guy who ever got fat on cocaine. I went to rehab for coke, and a black guy came up to me and said, “Damn, man, what are you pouring that shit on, cheeseburgers?”

Artie Lange on Las Vegas

For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer’s kid’s bar mitzvah.