You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you’ve never been to that bar before.
I used to temp. I called a temp agency once. They were like, “Do you have any phone skills?”
I was like, “I called you, didn’t I?”
I once saw my grandparents have sex, and that’s why I don’t eat raisins.
I want to do a reality show based on “The Mole” but it’s really about sexually transmitted diseases. And it’s called, “God, I Hope That’s a Mole.”
I have to stop crying when I watch “The View.” It’s not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.