Large image of stand-Up comic Whitney Cummings

Jokes by Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings on Salads

I went out with a guy the other night. He ordered a salad. I'm sorry, if you ordered a salad as an appetizer, your main course is a cock.

Whitney Cummings on Porn

I used to worry about porn. I used to be like, "Oh my god, my man is watching porn. He doesn't love me." or like, "He's not attracted to me. " Porn is not a threat to our relationships. I like to think about it like this. Guys watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We're both watching things we are never going to freakin' do.

Whitney Cummings on Roleplay

Apparently, the most popular role play fantasy is the nurse fantasy. If I was going to do the nurse fantasy for my man, I would just make him wait in the living room for an hour and read Highlights magazine before rejecting his health insurance.

Whitney Cummings on Male Strippers

The thing that cracks me up the most about male strippers is, they’re always in policemen’s uniforms and firemen’s uniforms. ‘Cause they say that women like a man in uniform. No, no, it’s not about the uniform, okay? We like men with jobs. You will never see a male stripper come out with pajama pants on, holding a video game controller and a pop-tart.