Todd Barry on Chipotle

Every time I talk about Chipotle in conversation, someone goes, "Oh, Chipotle is delicious. Can you believe they were started by McDonald’s?" Uh, McDonald’s is delicious, so yes, I can believe that. It’s not like Ben and Jerry’s opened up a lingerie shop. It’s the world’s greatest restaurant chain taking a stab at another kind of food and hitting it out of the park.

Todd Barry on Sex History

I was dating a woman for a while. We had out first little sex talk. She actually said this to me. She said, "Todd, I've had anal sex before but don't ask me who it was with." I think if I made a list of every question I'd ask before that one, it would be a list of every question. Including "Who shot J.R.?", "Where's the beef?" and "Why would you think I'd want to know that?" OK, maybe not "Where's the beef?" Because she might answer that one.

Todd Barry on Booing

I love that mentality, "Boo! You went to a different school than I did. I want everyone going to the same school. One school. 140 million students. Or I go 'boo.' I am the least tolerant human being on Earth. What'd you have for dinner tonight? Chinese food. I had Japanese. Boo. You like Triskets. I like Wheat Thins. Boo. You like regular Starburst fruits chews. I like the tropical. Boo."

Todd Barry on Condoms

I had sex recently. I took out the box of condoms. She takes the box from my hand, looks at it and goes, "Hey Todd, good choice." Good choice. Now I didn't expect her to be a virgin, but this is no time to show brand loyalty.

Todd Barry on Smoking

I don't let men smoke in my apartment. But if I have a woman over she can barbecue a goat.