My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.
I tell you, in my house I can never relax. I got a dog. His favorite bone is in my arm.
My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.
When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.
I have no sex life. You kidding? My dog keeps watching me in the bed. He wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
My wife can’t cook either, forgetaboutit. At my house, we pray after we eat.
I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!
I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted “Most Likely to Masturbate.”
My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.