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Stand-Up Comedian Robert Schimmel

Jokes by Robert Schimmel

Robert Schimmel on Masturbation

My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.

Robert Schimmel on Oral Sex

When it comes to my wife and blowjobs, my dick’s in the Witness Protection Program. “Dick? I don’t know nobody named Dick.”

Robert Schimmel on Penis Enlargement

They do sell a lot of weird things in sex shops. They have this stuff called Mr. Big Cream. It says, “Rub it on your dick and your dick gets bigger.” Great. Wouldn’t your hands get bigger too?

Robert Schimmel on Blind People

How do blind people know when they’re done wiping their ass?

Robert Schimmel on Dogs

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it’s a pit bull, you say, “You better let him finish.”