Large image of stand-Up comic Robert Kelly

Jokes by Robert Kelly

Robert Kelly on Video Games with Your Girlfriend

You ever play a video game with your girl? They'll hit one button 87 times because they like the color on the remote. "Ohmigod! Blue! Yea!" And win every game. "I won! Yea! I'm a ninja!"
I get mad. "You're not a ninja! I'm the only ninja of the house! I do flips. You kick me in the shin 87 times."

Robert Kelly on Too Fat

I don't want to get too fat. There's that fat when you drop something, you're like, "Do I need that? I dunno. Let me try - aagh! - No. I don't need that. My lip went numb. I don't need that at all. I'll get a whole new baby tomorrow."

Robert Kelly on Post Sex

After sex now is so disgusting. As soon as we're done, my girl dismounts me like she's getting off a dirty bicycle. And then she just leaves… she won't even look at me. It's like she just had sex with a trucker for gas money.