Large image of stand-Up comic Norm Macdonald

Jokes by Norm Macdonald

Norm MacDonald on Homeless Dogs

Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog… The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, "Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here."

Norm MacDonald on Christmas

Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket… what's the guy even thinking there. "Here you go… nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!"

Norm MacDonald on Being in Shape

When I was younger that's when I was in good shape. I was in my peak physical condition when I was, like, one. Man, you should have seen me back then.

Norm MacDonald on Being Lazy

I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow – a big truck could hit me – paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn't effect my lifestyle a bit really.