Large image of stand-Up comic John Mulaney

Jokes by John Mulaney

John Mulaney on DNA

It was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA… What was a murder investigation like in 1935? One cop would just walk in and be like, "Detective, we found a pool of the killer's blood in that hallway." And he would just be like, "Gross."

John Mulaney on Jews

Jews don't daydream. 'Cause folks are after them and they gotta stay sharp. They haven't let their minds wander since Egypt.

John Mulaney on Obsolescence

I was once on the phone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. That's like when your Gram would be ike, "We'd all go play jacks by the soda fountain." And you're like, "Nobody knows what you're talking about, you idiot."

John Mulaney on Blackout Drunk

It’s always weird when I go out with some money and black out and wake up with no money. But it was a lot weirder to go out with some money, black out and wake up with more money. That meant that I had earned money. That meant that I had traded goods and/or services… and blacked out. It’s not anything wholesome. It’s not like I was temping at a real estate office.