I miss having a pet. We’re not allowing to have dogs in my building. We’re allowed to have cats. My friend’s like, “Why don’t you get a cat?” I’m like, “Why don’t I just start kissing dudes too?”
I was working at a golf course mowing stuff… That was the worst job ever. I got bit by a swan… You don’t ever recover from that either. That’s not supposed to happen. Who do you trust after that? I rather get attacked by a bear. Because if you get attacked by a bear you might lose an arm or something, but you got a freakin’ story at least.
I never understood how people could come to a yard sale and get picky. Make me feel bad about the stuff I didn’t want anyway…
“Does this VCR have a remote?”
“No. It doesn’t have a cord either. That’s why it’s $4. It’s a piece of crap.”
“Well, I was looking for a new VCR.”
“Yeah, I think they sell those in places called ‘stores.’”
I went to Missouri. I got a speeding ticket for $130. That’s a bunch of crap. Rent’s not $130 in Missouri…
“You need to come deer hunting! It’s a man’s sport!” I just think in order to be called a sport both teams need to know there’s a game going on.