Jeffrey Ross on Cool Jews

People don’t always think Jewish people are cool because we don’t talk as cool as other types of people. You never hear stuff like, “Jews in the house!” The only time you hear a Jewish person say “in the house” is like, y’know, “Murray! Get in the house!”

Jeffrey Ross on Marijuana

In the lobby before the show some guy’s like, “Jeff, your eyes look red. Are you stoned?” I’m like, “Dude, it’s my allergies.” He goes, “What are you allergic to?” “Pot”

Jeffrey Ross on the Internet

I’m addicted to the Internet. I check into the hotel. Try to go online on my laptop. Doesn’t work. Call the front desk.

Lady’s like, “Sorry sir, we don’t have Internet service in all our hotel rooms. But don’t worry, we have free wireless in the lobby.”

“You’re saying I have to whack off in the lobby?”

Jeffrey Ross on Dating Porn Stars

This girl asked me out one time. She told me she was an actress in porno movies. I’m like, “Alright, when do you want to go out?”
She goes, “I’m working Tuesday and Wednesday. How about Thursday?”
“Uh, how about Monday?”

Jeffrey Ross on Antiques

I was walking around downtown the other day and I saw Angela Lansbury in an antique store… She was $800.

A Love Poem: “Hey, Wait a Minute”

Her long tan legs
Those dark bed room eyes
Her deep, sexy voice
Her huge protruding Adam’s apple… hey, wait a minute?