Large image of stand-Up comic George Carlin

Jokes by George Carlin

George Carlin on Euphemisms for Death

...thanks to our fear of death in this country I won't have to die. I'll "pass away." Or I'll "expire" – like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital they'll call it a "terminal episode." The insurance company will refer to it as "negative patient care outcome." And if it's the result of malpractice they'll say it was a "therapeutic misadventure." I'm telling ya, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit. It makes we want to engage in an "involuntary personal protein spill."

George Carlin on His Motto

I say live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take them outside and shoot the motherfucker.

George Carlin on Eating

I was what they call a "fussy eater." 'He's fussy! He's a fussy eater!' "Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "Big pain in the ass."

George Carlin on Pro-Lifers

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are woman that you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?

George Carlin on TV

You can say prick on television. If it happens to your finger it's alright. You can prick your finger, just don't finger your prick.

George Carlin on Counting

There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.

George Carlin on taking shits

There's a lot of little phrases in the language that don't say what they mean. Take a shit is one. You don't take a shit, you leave a shit. That's the whole idea! To leave it!