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Jokes by Eugene Mirman

Eugene Mirman on Kids

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You’d just be like, “I am bike cheese.” Because you wouldn’t know what words were.

Eugene Mirman on His First Time

I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles… because I didn’t know.

Eugene Mirman on Hate

If you really really don’t like someone, like you really don’t like someone, buy them a pony. Cause, “You know what, fuck you! Take care of this pony!”

Eugene Mirman on Fatherhood

I don't have a kid. I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.