Emo Philips on His Morning

I'm no good in the morning unless I've had that first, hot piping pot of coffee… Oh, I've tried other enemas.

Emo Philips on Psychic Powers

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Emo Philips on Germans

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said, "Well, whose fault is that?"

Emo Philips on Adultery

I discovered my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"

Emo Philips on Fights

I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."