All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said, "Well, whose fault is that?"
I discovered my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"
I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
I'm no good in the morning unless I've had that first, hot piping pot of coffee… Oh, I've tried other enemas.