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Stand-Up Comedian Eddie Izzard

Jokes by Eddie Izzard

Eddie Izzard on Guns

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. And monkeys do too… if they have a gun.

Eddie Izzard on Confession

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon.

Eddie Izzard on Transvestites

If you’re a transvestite, you’re actually a male tomboy. That’s where the sexuality is… So it’s running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you’re up there.

Eddie Izzard on Europe

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

Eddie Izzard on the Queen

We hate our national anthem. Because it’s “God Save the Queen,” you see?... Now the Queen lives in a very big house. She has barbed wire outside and people with guns in front of that. That’s one saved fucking queen, I’ll tell you!