Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying… under another man.
I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I've only had sex in months that end in "arch"... in years that have an Olympics.
I was on the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”
People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won't count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by a car.