Large image of stand-Up comic Demetri Martin

Jokes by Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin on Karate

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

Demetri Martin on Breakfast

I used this product called "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." Because sometimes when I'm having toast I like to be incredulous. "How was breakfast?" "Unbelievable"

Demetri Martin on Sort Of

"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say. But after certain things, "soft of" means everything. Like "I love you" or "You're going to live."

Demetri Martin on Employee of the Month

"Employee of the month" is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Demetri Martin on Graffiti

Graffiti's the most passionate literature there is, you know? It's always like "Bush sucks!" "U2 Rocks!"

I want to make indifferent graffiti. "Toy Story 2 was okay."... "I like Sheryl as a friend, but I'm not sure about taking things further"... "This is a bridge!"