Large image of stand-Up comic Aries Spears

Jokes by Aries Spears

Aries Spears on Women’s Orgasms

Fellas, you have to stop letting women put all this pressure on us. Talking about, “I didn’t come.” “Bitch, I did. What’s wrong with your shit?” I tell a woman before we even get started, “Look, team bus leaves in two minutes and eight seconds. I’ma scream your name twice and I’ma scratch you off the clipboard. You better hurry the fuck up.”

Aries Spears on Obama

Obama had all the right ingredients that came together at the right time. He’s tall, good-looking, articulate, highly intelligent, smooth under pressure, charismatic.  And most importantly, the right shade. He made white people feel comfortable. Because y’all know if that nigga was Bernie Mac black or precious purple, he wouldn’t have won. He’s like coffee with cream, it goes down easy.

Aries Spears on Racism

We are all a little bit racist. White people, y’all are the first people to denounce it. “I’m not racist. I’m incapable of being racist. My best friend is black… He’s also my chauffeur, but he’s my best friend.

Aries Spears on Terrorism

I know when the anthrax thing hit, white people y’all was very nervous. Y’all would come up to me at work and warn me, “Oh my God Aries, be careful. Don’t open the mail.” Black folks was never worried about anthrax. Because half the time we don’t open our mail no way. We might think that’s a bill… Y’all want to get us with anthrax, put that in a Jay-Z CD.