Part two of my Insult Comedy Day was a fantastic two-hour-plus show with Triumph the Insult Comic dog. The show was in Caesar’s Coliseum, a venue designed with Celine Dion on mind. Triumph warned us not breath much in the Coliseum, we might catch secondhand suck. Elton John’s “Red Piano’ is another regular show there, but Triumph confided to us that he got a special viewing of Elton’s brown organ backstage.
Triumph laid into the Festival itself telling us Dave Chappelle, who canceled his festival appearance, was “flakier than Courtney Love’s pubic hair” and wondered how Mario Cantone could play a flamboyant gay man so well. Then he came to Dane Cook and he… hesitated. Triumph asked if he should, and while one girl screamed “He’s hot!”, some of us screamed “yes!” With a “Fuck it!”, he told us that “the only thing Tourgasm has in common with a real orgasm is the shame you feel afterward.”
Triumph didn’t spare himself either, asserting that he was not a puppet as “no self-respecting middle-aged man would crouch behind a podium and manipulate a puppet.” And then added, “...except Dick Cheney.”
Then Triumph buttfucked Sesame Street’s Ernie.
Jim Gaffigan took the stage and shared much of his material in his whispery uncomfortable audience voice including the classic “hot pockets.” My fave was his response to his recycling-obsessed wife asking if he washed out the soda can: “I haven’t showered myself today.”
Triumph then sang the charming song, “Cats are Cunts.” Just as the song was reaching is crescendo, Triumph was interrupted by an actor playing Caesar with his entourage, Cleopatra and a pair of centurions. There seemed to be a dispute about the language of the song, but Triumph was more interested in seeing how long he could make these roving actors stand on stage uncomfortably, sharing observations with them like “the last charity event Lewis Black attended was when Sarah Silverman give him a hand job” and following them up with a “I just feel like I can tell you this.” He also complimented the actors, saying they were very committed to their roles for $13 an hour. Caesar was finally permitted to finish the song with the Cats are Cunts line still intact, except apparently Caesar doesn’t swear. Triumph begrudgingly sung the last line, observing that In Vegas, you “can have all the cunt you want just don’t say it.” Then the coterie of faux Roman royalty was off to their chariot, “also known as the bus.”
Frank Caliendo then took the stage with some masterful impressions, including a couple I’ve never seen anyone do before including John Madden. I’m not usually one for impressionists, but the way he had them ping-pong off each other, almost making it conversational was impressive. Imitating every single silly voice Robin Williams does was a favorite in my comedy nerd heart.
Triumph returned with Lester of the ventriloquist act Willie Tyler and Lester as a replacement for Chappelle.
Then Triumph buttfucked Lester.
Lester told us that he was very mad at Chappelle because he was in a similar situation where WIllie Tyler held out for an extra $20 from Hollywood Squares and look at him now: “I get buttfucked by stupid Conan O’Brien shit and I have to blow Ernie.” Then we saw the threesome, which was even funnier to watch because it’s rather impossible to manipulate three puppets well with only two hands.
Harland Williams took the stage, whose stand-up I’ve never seen. I’m not a huge fan afterwards but I enjoy his randomness and how he embraced how filthy the night was becoming. My fave: “You ever stuff a bed full of Rice Krispees and then piss the bed? It’s snap, crackle, pop all night.”
Triumph came back and showed us some never aired bits of him covering the Democratic convention. The joy of seeing him making fun of strident protesters with a “for this you took off from Kinkos” was offset by how fucking nuts some of these people are. One particularly memorable part though was Michael Moore telling Triumph he can follow him into Bill O’Reilly’s studio but then disavowing that he ever invited them, resulting in Triumph getting kicked out. Draw your own conclusions.
Triumph wound up the night with a song accompanied by “Ladysmith Black Mambazo” asking previous targets for his jibes that fell from the public eye to “come back” Example:
She banged, you sucked.
Now you’re somewhere
blowing George Michael for a buck.