Woody Allen on Suicide

I was gonna kill myself, but I was in a strict Freudian analysis. And if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

Woody Allen on Sex

Sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.

Woody Allen on Obsolescence

My father worked for the same firm for twelve years. They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget - this big - that does everything my father does, only it does it much better. The depressing thing is, my mother ran out and bought one.

Woody Allen on Selling Out

The phone rings, and a voice on the other end says, “How would you like to be this years vodka man?”
And I said, “No. I’m an artist, I do not do commercials. I don’t pander. I don’t drink vodka and if I did, I would not drink your product.”
He said, “Too bad. It pays $50,000.”
And I said “Hold on. I’ll put Mr. Allen on the phone.”

Woody Allen on Ex-Wives

My ex-wife claimed she was violated. Knowing my ex-wife, it wasn’t a moving violation.

Woody Allen on Immortality

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.