Jokes by Woody Allen

Stand-Up Comedian Woody Allen

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AKA: Alan Stewart Konigsberg

Born: December 1, 1935

Blue Meter: Tame

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Jokes

Woody Allen on Obsolescence

My father worked for the same firm for twelve years. They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget - this big - that does everything my father does, only it does it much better. The depressing thing is, my mother ran out and bought one.

Woody Allen on Sex

Sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.

Woody Allen on Suicide

I was gonna kill myself, but I was in a strict Freudian analysis. And if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

Woody Allen on Selling Out

The phone rings, and a voice on the other end says, “How would you like to be this years vodka man?”
And I said, “No. I’m an artist, I do not do commercials. I don’t pander. I don’t drink vodka and if I did, I would not drink your product.”
He said, “Too bad. It pays $50,000.”
And I said “Hold on. I’ll put Mr. Allen on the phone.”

Woody Allen on Immortality

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Woody Allen on Ex-Wives

My ex-wife claimed she was violated. Knowing my ex-wife, it wasn’t a moving violation.