Steven Wright on 24 Hours

I went to a store and the sign said Open 24 Hours. When I got there, there was guy outside locking it up. I said, “What are you doing, the sign says Open 24 hours?” And he said, “Not in a row.”

Steven Wright on Sandboxes

When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

Steven Wright on His Birth

I was Cesarean born. Can’t really tell. Although, whenever I leave a house I got out through the window.

Steven Wright on Restaurants

I went into a restaurant. The menu said “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright on Everything

Well, you can’t have everything. Where would you put it?