Rodney Dangerfield on His Sex Life

I have no sex life. You kidding? My dog keeps watching me in the bed. He wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

Rodney Dangerfield on Relaxation

I tell you, in my house I can never relax. I got a dog. His favorite bone is in my arm.

Rodney Dangerfield on Girls

When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.

Rodney Dangerfield on His Wife’s Cooking

My wife can’t cook either, forgetaboutit. At my house, we pray after we eat.

Rodney Dangerfield on His Wife

My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.

Rodney Dangerfield on Negligee

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

Rodney Dangerfield on Not Being Sexy

I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted “Most Likely to Masturbate.”

Rodney Dangerfield on Breastfeeding

My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

Rodney Dangerfield on His Dog

My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.

Rodney Dangerfield on The Birds and Bees

I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!