Jokes by Patton Oswalt
Patton Oswalt on 80s Music Videos
But the one recurring motif in these [80s] videos that I wish would come back were the bands that could rock so hard, they could change the physical properties of things. They would blow holes through walls or they’d walk up to your crappy Geo and go - SCRIBBLY FLABBIDY DOO - and all of sudden it’s a sleek Lamborgini.
Patton Oswalt on Babies
People think it’s OK to walk up to me holding a baby. Like that’s cool… A baby, if you really break it down logically, it is a tiny human being and it’s shirtless, which is really creepy. It’s a shirtless, bald human being with a bag of its own crap around its waist. How horrifying is that?
Patton Oswalt on Reality TV
What are they not going to do a reality show about… There used to be a time when you would come home and reality was so crappy, you would turn on TV to watch stuff people had made up so you could escape from the crappy reality. Now, you go out and deal with dickheads and morons all day and you come home, and go “I just want to go home so I can watch Dickheads and Morons on TV.”
Patton Oswalt on Porn Mags
My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.
Patton Oswalt on Suicide
If I ever commit suicide I’m going to fling myself off the top of a skyscraper, but before I do I’m going to stuff my pockets with candy and gum. That way when the onlookers walk up they can go, “Oh man he really must have been dep - Hey, Snickers!”
Patton Oswalt on Alcohol
Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as pain-go-bye-bye juice?