Nick Di Paolo on Never Marrying

You young guys are going, “I’m never going to get married.” That’s what I thought. But how many times can you go home, watch SportsCenter, order a pizza, and jerkoff before that gets boring. I’ll tell you how many times: 11,556.

Nick Di Paolo on Animal Experimentation

We do experiments on animals for a reason—to prolong our life. If hooking a monkey’s brain up to a car battery is going to save somebody of dying from AIDS in ten years, I got two things to say, “The red is positive and the black is negative.”

Nick Di Paolo on Health or Money

Does anybody believe your health is more important than money? I don’t see too many beautiful women going, “Gee, should I blow Bob in the Porsche or Dave with low cholestol?”

Nick Di Paolo on Hairs in the Food

Everywhere I go I get hair in my food. I went to a restaurant last week, two hairs in my soup, two in my lettuce. The waitress comes out and says, “Can I get you anything else?’ “Yeah, how about a comb for the salad?”

Nick Di Paolo on the N-Word

Let me tell you something black people: If white people tell you they never use the N-word, they’re lying to your face. Either that, or they’ve never bet a $1,000 on an NBA game.