Mitch Hedberg on Escalators

I like the escalator. Because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a escalator temporary out of order sign, only an “Escalator temporarily stair. Sorry for the convenience.”

Mitch Hedberg on Girlfriends

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedberg on Doughnuts

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this.

Mitch Hedberg on Dreams

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.

Mitch Hedberg on Candlesticks

I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one, so I got a cake.

Mitch Hedberg on Koala Bears

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”

Mitch Hedberg on Flyers

Whenever I walk people try and hand me a flyer. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”