Mitch Hedberg on Koala Bears

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”

Mitch Hedberg on Candlesticks

I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one, so I got a cake.

Mitch Hedberg on Dreams

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.

Mitch Hedberg on Doughnuts

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this.

Mitch Hedberg on Escalators

I like the escalator. Because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a escalator temporary out of order sign, only an “Escalator temporarily stair. Sorry for the convenience.”

Mitch Hedberg on Girlfriends

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedberg on Flyers

Whenever I walk people try and hand me a flyer. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”