Jokes by Mitch Hedberg
Born: February 24, 1968
Death: March 29, 2005
Blue Meter: Tame
In match-ups against other comics:
Won: 2971 | Lost: 1060
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Mitch Hedberg on Koala Bears
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”
Mitch Hedberg on Dreams
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg on Flyers
Whenever I walk people try and hand me a flyer. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”
Mitch Hedberg on Doughnuts
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this.
Mitch Hedberg on Girlfriends
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Mitch Hedberg on Candlesticks
I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one, so I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg on Escalators
I like the escalator. Because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a escalator temporary out of order sign, only an “Escalator temporarily stair. Sorry for the convenience.”