Louis CK on Being Broke

I had five dollars [in the bank] that I couldn’t have for three days until they charged me another 15. Leaving me with -10. What does that mean? I don’t even have no money any more. I wish I had nothing. But I don’t have it. I don’t have that much. I have not ten. Negative ten. I can’t afford to buy something that doesn’t cost anything. I can only afford to get something that costs you give me ten dollars.

Louis C.K. on Racism

Why can’t we have racism that’s ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, “Those Chinese people, they can fly!’ “You know about the Puerto Ricans… they’re made of candy!”

Louis C.K. on Blowjobs

Who wants to blow their husband? You want to blow a guy that you’ve been dating. And he’s mysterious and you suck his cock and go home. Who wants to blow a guy and then go to Ikea with him all day?