Jon Stewart on Yon Kippur

Yon Kippur. Greatest Jewish holiday ever. The Jewish day of attonement. You don’t ear for one day, all your sins for the year are wiped clean. Beat that with your little “Lent.” What is Lent? Forty days of absolution. Forty days to one day. Even in sin you’re paying retail.

Jon Stewart: Mastrubation

I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don’t floss because it’s too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that’s what I’ve chosen.

Jon Stewart: Gay Military

Gay people can’t be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What’s the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. “Private, shoot that man!” “I can’t, he’s adorable.”

Jon Stewart on Jews and Blacks

Jews and Blacks come from the same history—2,000 years of bullshit. We just expressed our suffering differently as people. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complain, we just never thought of putting it to music.

Jon Stewart: Death

I don’t want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that’s tragic. Because I don’t want her to get the chance to pick out what I’m going to wear for eternity.

Jon Stewart on Judaism

I’m not a very serious Jew. I don’t wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.