Joan Rivers on Her Daughter, Melissa

My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “Pick up, I know you’re there.” And she says the same thing back, “How’d you get this new number?”

Joan Rivers on Her Husband's Suicide

My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

Joan Rivers on Being Ugly

I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, “I don’t believe it.”

Joan Rivers on Her Parents

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.

Joan Rivers on Sex Appeal

I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.

Joan Rivers on Thin People

I hate thin people. “Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?”