Jokes by Jerry Seinfeld
Born: April 29, 1954
Blue Meter: Clean
In match-ups against other comics:
Won: 2755 | Lost: 1095
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Jerry Seinfeld on Cremation
Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States… People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. “I was here dammit!” Cremation is like you’re trying to cover up a crime. “Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone’s concerned this whole thing never happened.”
Jerry Seinfeld on the Fattest Man
Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world… 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.
Jerry Seinfeld on Greeting Cards
They have the greeting cards with the couples on the front. They photograph them. These hazy focus people. They’re always having picnics. There’s always a tree, a pond… who are these people? I don’t know them. I don’t want them on my card either. What am I going to write inside there anyway? “Here’s another couple having a better relationship than us.”
Jerry Seinfeld on Family Fun
Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
Jerry Seinfeld on Handicapped Parking
Just what is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? Is it still just the two spaces?
Jerry Seinfeld on Bloody Clothes
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.