Jokes by Henny Youngman

Stand-Up Comedian Henny Youngman

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AKA: Henry Youngman, King of the One-Liners

Born: Jan. 12, 1906

Death: Feb. 24, 1998

Blue Meter: Clean

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Henny Youngman on His Mother-In-Law

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

Henny Youngman on Diets

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but she can climb a tree.

Henny Youngman on the Homeless

A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”

Henny Youngman on His Date

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn’t a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

Henny Youngman on Accidents

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?” The guys says, “I make a good living.”

Henny Youngman on Wives

Take my wife… please!