Jokes by Hannibal Buress

Stand-Up Comedian Hannibal Buress

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Born: February 4, 1983

Blue Meter: Risqué

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Jokes

Hannibal Buress on Struggle

Whenever people are going through a struggle in life, they get really cliche. They say stuff like,  “I’m taking it one day at a time. Just taking it one day at a time.” You know who else is? Everybody. ‘Cause that’s how time works.

Hannibal Buress on His First Comedy Gigs

My first regular comedy gig, I hosted an open mic in my college town…One show, I had an ex-girlfriend who showed up to perform. I had to introduce her to the stage. It was very awkward. “Coming to the stage is the cold-hearted bitch who broke my heart. You may know her for not returning my phone calls and also giving out mediocre blowjobs.”

Hannibal Buress on Internet Porn

Sometimes when I watch porn, I put my hoodie on so I feel creepier. Sometimes I get under computer so it feels like I’m spying on her.

Hannibal Buress on Feminism

It’s fine if you want to be a feminist, but I think 5 AM after the bar closes is a weird time to jump on your soapbox. “Men just want to fuck.” It’s five in the morning, everybody wants to. That’s why they stayed out ‘til five because it didn’t happen at two.

Hannibal Buress on His Neighborhood

My neighborhood is changing so much. This place that was a Mexican restaurant is now a small church. Which is very upsetting to me, because I like burritos more than I like Jesus. Because steak burritos are delicious… and they’re real.