Greg Giraldo on Kids' Allergies

Peanut allergies. When did the peanut become the most toxic substance known to man? Have you tried going anywhere near a school with peanut butter? Holy shit! They look at you like you slathered it on your cock and went skipping across the playground!

Greg Giraldo on His Sons

You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

Greg Giraldo on Being Drunk

One time, I was trying to get on a plane. They wouldn’t let me. They said I was too drunk to get on a plane. You know how wasted you have to be for someone to say, “Sir, you’re just too drunk to sit in a seat.”

Greg Giraldo on Abercrombie & Fitch

I didn’t think I was older until I went into an Abercrombie & Fitch and they looked at me like I was walking through a playground with my cock in my hand.

Greg Giraldo on Lent

I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.

Greg Giraldo on Marriage

George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?