Jokes by Greg Behrendt

Stand-Up Comedian Greg Behrendt

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Born: July 21, 1963

Blue Meter: Tame

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Jokes

Greg Behrendt on His Personality

I’m anal and forgetful. That’s a bad combo. That mean I like my shit where I like it and I don’t know where the fuck it is. But I’m pretty sure it’s your fault.

Greg Behrendt on Anal Sex

I think that God is disappointed in anal sex. I think he thinks to himself, “It’s just that I worked so hard on the vagina. I thought you guys would go crazy for it… It’s like the lobby of a great hotel. There’s carpeting and drapes and it’s warm. It’s an entry way and a exit way for babies, the greatest thing there is. And all you freaks want to do is to come in the back by the dumpster. I don’t get it!”

Greg Behrendt on Relationships

I’m the co-author of two relatively popular relationship books…Because of that I’m asked questions quite a bit… Questions about the relationships the person is in. Generally, it’s a woman. Generally, the answers are pretty easy.
“I’ve been seeing this guy, Greg. And he doesn’t call.” He doesn’t like you. That’s it. We don’t have to say any more…
They’ll say, “Greg, my boyfriend is married…” Say that back to yourself.