All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
I’m no good in the morning unless I’ve had that first, hot piping pot of coffee… Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
I discovered my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, “Get off me, you two!”
My sister married a German. He complained he couldn’t get a good bagel back home. I said, “Well, whose fault is that?”