Drew Carey: Rainy Day Cops

When it rains really hard, I like to run stop signs just to make cops get out of their cars. Make them stand there in the rain in a big puddle. ‘Alright you, know why I stopped you?’ ‘Yeah, know why I ran the sign?’

Drew Carey: My Body

You women ever look at men’s bodies like they’re meat? Ever do that when you’re alone with your girlfriends. “Look at that baby - that’s is USDA Choice Prime Cut. Mmm mmm mmm.” My body’s the part they make hot dogs out of.

Drew Carey: Sausage Gravy

If I cut myself shaving, sausage gravy comes out. That’s why I always keep a little pile of biscuits next to the sink.

Drew Carey: Elvis

I went to Graceland. Go if you never been. Nothing like being ripped off by a dead hillbilly.

Drew Carey global warming

I love Cleveland. The weather just terrible there - too cold. All we want to know in Cleveland is where the hell’s all that global warming we’ve been hearing so much about. That’s all they ever do in the winter, stand outside with an aerosol can. >ssst< That’s right. Fuck the grandkids. I’m cold now.