Dennis Miller on Education

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

Dennis Miller on Masturbation

I don’t care what your hobby is before puberty hits, because as soon as it does, nature assigns you a new hobby. Let’s just say when I was 14, I was treated for tennis elbow and I didn’t even own a racket.

Dennis Miller on Gay Adoption

Now the ACLU is fighting to overturn a Mississippi state law that stops homosexuals from adopting children. You know folks, I’m no expert on the subject, but if you’re gay and you’ve chosen to set up shop in Mississippi… even I’m reasonably sure you’re not equipped to adopt children, okay?

Dennis Miller on America

[America is] simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra.

Dennis Miller on Therapy

I view a visit to the therapist in much the same way that I view a visit to the hairdresser. When I leave the office, my head looks great. Around an hour later it’s all fucked up and I can’t get it to look that way again on my own.