Dave Attell on Drinking and Driving

Now drinking and driving… a lot of people say its wrong. And I call those people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, those kids have got to get to school.

Dave Attell on Scouts

I was in the scouts and we had to learn survival things. Like snakebite, what do you do? Suck out the poison. But with your right hand, jiggle the man’s balls. That’s how I was taught.

Dave Attell on Smoking

I smoke so much. Three packs a day… I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

Dave Attell on Getting Caught Masturbating

What do you do when you get caught masturbating? Well, here’s a little tip. First, look surprised. And don’t worry, you will be surprised. And then say this: “Quick get some help! My hand and my penis are fighting!”

Dave Attell on Children

I tell you one thing that’s great about children. They don’t need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother… that’s all they need.

Dave Atttell on Getting Directions

If I need directions, I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there.

Dave Attell on Porno

Some people are against porno and I say, “Hey, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that’s their business.”

Dave Attell on Bestiality

If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.

Dave Attell on Imaginary Girlfriends

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming “No, that’s not what I said!”