I hate you Google. You’ve caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I share a computer with my girlfriend. She’ll look up anything. “I’m going to look up apples today.” She just hits “A.” It’s like, “Asian Ass Porn” instantly. Google’s like, “I’ll take it from here. I know exactly what you’re looking up. Any time you hit A it’s ‘Asian Ass Porn.’” Google, all I ask is you let her type three letters before you come to such a bold conclusion.
I didn’t have a priviledged childhood like a lot of you. I grew up on a public golf course and that’s embarrassing. I lived on the right side of the fairway. All these hacks slicing into your yard. You don’t hear “Fore!” while you’re mowing. “Nothing runs like a Deere.” ‘Til a Titleist is lodged in your carburator.
Girls in Los Angeles like to say, “I’m not relgious, but I’m spiritual.” I like to reply, “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting.”
Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European.
A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, “What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that.” And I’m like, “Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that’s close enough.”
I’m not very good with people. Even when I was little, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. And I’d be like, “I guess we’ll meet up later.” And he’d be like, “Whatever, queer.”