Dane Cook on Sneezes

I say “God bless you” when somebody sneezes. I don’t say “bless you.” I don’t say that because I’m not the Lord. I can’t do that.

Dane Cook on Burger King

The first job I had was at Burger King. I didn’t want to call it Burger King, so I used to call it the BK Lounge. If the girls were like, “Where do you work,” I was like, “I work down at the BK Lounge. I’m a bouncer.” “Can we get in?” “Not without coups.”

Dane Cook on Car Accidents

A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it’s not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it’s your fault: “Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!”