Jokes by Damon Wayans

Stand-Up Comedian Damon Wayans

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Born: September 4, 1960

Blue Meter: Dirty

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  • Delivery: 32121
  • Material: 32121
  • Overall: 32121

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Jokes

Damon Wayans on Slave Roles

I can’t play no slave. I got three kids, man. How my kids going to respect me if they see me playing a slave?
“Little Damon, you get down off that chair before I spank your behind.”
“Yeah, you weren’t so tough when mastuh was kicking your ass.”

Damon Wayans on Being Poor

I had a great childhood growing up even though we was crazy poor. We was like P O. We couldn’t afford O R. That’s how Po we were… I remember nights we didn’t eat. We had sleep for dinner.

Damon Wayans on Mike Tyson

If Mike Tyson came up to me and said, “Listen, I want to fuck you in your ass.” The toughest thing I could say back is: “For how long?! Now I need some sort of time frame, my brother! Because you ain’t gonna be fucking me all day long! Now you gotta about three hours to do what you gotta do, then the ass is mine!”

Damon Wayans of Strip Searches

They strip search you in jail. Dudes sit in the booth and looks up my ass. Right away I’m thinking, “What in the world am I going to put up my ass that I’m gonna use again?” Like I’m supposed to get inside. “All right. Who wants gum?”

Damon Wayans on His Friend Larry

I found out one of my old partners, Larry, is in jail now. Larry got 25 years for something he didn’t do. He didn’t run fast enough.

Damon Wayans on Old Friends

When I want to see the people I grew up with, most of the time I just go to the morgue.