Jokes by Chelsea Handler

Stand-Up Comedian Chelsea Handler

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Born: Februrary 25, 1975

Blue Meter: Risqué

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Jokes

Chelsea Handler on Waiting to Have Sex

You never think when you’re a little girl that you’re going to grow up and be the whore. When I was a little girl, I was like, “Oh my god, I’m gonna wait ‘til I go to college to lose my virginity.” I had all these big dreams. Then the third grade just ended up being such a nutty year.

Chelsea Handler on Becoming a Lesbian

I thought about becoming a lesbian. Those bitches look like they’re having a helluva time, don’t they?... But then you gotta get into the whole lesbian scene, you know, and go buy hiking boots and a truck. And then, who pays for shit? I guess the guy who’s watching, but what if he’s not there?

Chelsea Handler on Drinking for Fun

I went out with a guy the other night. He goes, “You know, Chelsea, you don’t have to drink to make yourself more fun to be around.”
I’m like, “Listen, fucknut, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”

Chelsea Handler on Pregnancy

I don’t like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can’t figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.