Brian Regan on Eye Doctors

So my eye doctor told me this. He said, “Did you know you have one eye set higher than the other eye?” “No” “It’s no big deal. It doesn’t affect your vision or anything. I just thought you’d like to be self conscious for the rest of your life.”

Brian Regans on Arab-Americans

Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.

Brian Regan on Cranberries

I don’t know what the hell is going on with cranberries, but they’re getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job… he’s showing up everywhere. “Hey, you got some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We’ll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What you got grapes? How about cran-grape! What you got mangos? Cran-mango! What you got pork chops? Cran-chops!” Why don’t you back off, cranberry man. Why don’t you take your sales trophy and have a vacation.

Brian Regan on Pop Tarts

I’m lookin’ at the Pop-Tarts box and I notice they have directions on there. I give up on this species… They have toaster directions, which, I’m not makin’ this up, the toaster directions are longer than one step. I don’t know how that’s possible that the directions are longer than one. You think it would be, “Step one: Toast the Pop-Tarts. Go ahead, toast ‘em. It’s okay. Hey, are you still readin’ this?”

Brian Regan on Peanut Butter and jelly

In a store I saw that Peanut Butter and jelly in the same jar stuff. What’s the point to that? I’m lazy but…  I want to meet the guy who needs that. “I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars.”