Jokes by Bill Maher
AKA: William Maher, Jr.
Born: January 20, 1956
Blue Meter: Risqué
In match-ups against other comics:
Won: 1827 | Lost: 1668
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Bill Maher on Drugs
When I was in college, we did mushrooms and acid… and did I mention acid?
Bill Maher on Dating
In my day, girls used to get pinned in high school. That was the big thing. Now they’re getting nailed.
Bill Maher on The Bible
The Bible, if you read it, looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs. “And then God made woman out of a rib. A rib! Look at that.”
Bill Maher on Male Fidelity
Mick Jagger fucks young girls for a reason. He can. Believe me, plumbers his age would do the same thing if they could. Men are only as loyal as their options.
Bill Maher on Oneness
When I was in college I had this hippie girlfriend and she said, “Well, it’s like, when we make love, there’s no me and no you. Our bodies are like one continuous being.”
I said, “OK, but how about paying some attention to our dick.”
Bill Maher on Heroin
I have never done heroin. I wouldn’t recommend heroin. But it hasn’t hurt my record collection.
Bill Maher on Confession
I was raised half-Jewish and half-Catholic. When I’d go to confession, I’d say, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned… and you know my attorney, Mr. Cohen.”
Bill Maher on Kevorkian
I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, “You can’t fire me. I quit.”